He So Craaaaazy

"All trailers are appropriate to the main feature."

And what could be more appropriate playing in front of Superman Returns than Spider-Man 3?!

Veeeenooooooooom!!!

So many quick little snippets, with Sandman, and Mary Jane and Peter making out on a web, and the suit crawling over Peter’s fingers, and Topher Grace looking up and saying “Parker?” in this wonderful “well, who woulda thunk it” tone, and Peter trying to catch a ring, and it all ends with Peter, in the black suit, staring upside down at his reflection in a window which is wearing the red suit!

And breathe...

Now, back to the feature presentation. Back to DC. Back to those tights. Back to Superman Returns.

The opening is just so like Star Wars. Not a rip-off or anything, just kind of reminded me of it. The font of the text, the planets moving overhead, and I always used to get the Superman and Star Wars themes confused when I was a kid. Anyway, moving on.

So, Superman smacks face first (I imagine) into a cornfield. He’s been gone from the Earth for five years after the remains of his home planet were discovered. For somebody who can move at the speed of a bullet, we can only imagine how far away said planet must be if it took him that long to get there, say “oh, everyone’s dead” and fly back home in a weird rock thing.

Meanwhile, Crazy Lex Luthor has been cheating money out of elderly women using a saucy wig and sexual favours. And talking a lot about crystals, although everyone around him is too scared to point out how girly he sounds.

Parker Posey! I had no idea she was in the film, since I avoided all spoilers, but I love love love her and think she’s awesome in everything she does, so, yay, pleasant surprise. Also, puppy cannibalism!

So, Clark’s going back to journalism, and Crazy Lex Luthor is swanning about in the Artic at the Fortress Of Solitude, talking to Marlon Brando and pointing out umpteen times that Brando Jor-El is dead, lookit the shiny CGI magic! And getting oddly excited by crystals.

Jimmy Olsen! Still with a love of bow ties! Played by the Oz-a-like from Not Another Teen Movie!

And then we see that some genius has decided that sticking a space shuttle to a commerical aeroplane would be a good way to launch into space. And the tights are back on and everyone is happy!

Seriously, I think the problem with an invulnerable hero like Superman is it's very difficult to believe there's ever any danger that he won't succeed unless someone sticks a pound of kryptonite up his arse, but I was totally on the edge of my seat through that whole sequence. And I didn't even roll my eyes over the fact that Lois is the only one who isn't strapped in, so she's thrown all over the plane. And I love how Superman is still kinda goofy, how he stops for an "aw shucks, ain't that swell" smile when he guides the space shuttle into space.

So, yeah, Lois. My only thoughts about her after the trailer were "her hair looks awful." Honestly, what worked for Crazy Margo Kidder in the 70s really didn't look like it translated. But she was just perfect; I think Kate Bosworth is adorable, and she really got that balance of confused and hurt and empowered down. And the hair actually worked really well, because it softened her up, worked as a lovely contrast to the power-dressing and the sexy stilettos she looks like she can't walk in. What can I say, for me it's all about the hair and shoes.

So, Superman saves the day, Lois is the only person worried about the mass blackout that Crazy Lex Luthor and his Sexy Crystals Of DOOM caused. And then we meet the family, being Kiddiewink and his daddy Cyclops Without The Visor And With, You Know, An Actual Role, aka Richard. I loved Richard. They never make him unlikeable at any point, never give the audience a reason to hate him; there's never a point where you think "Richard's a dick, she should just go back to Superman", no easy solution to the triangle. And I love the idea of Lois hooking up with a pilot ("How did you get here?" "I flew.")

I don't know where the new trend for having kid actors who look really vacant and a little bit creepy started, but I much prefer it to the ultra happy smiley kid actors of yore. Actually, maybe it all started after Phantom Menace... Anyway, Kiddiewink is adorable, and, as is fitting the new kid actor trend, has a medical ailment, in this case asthma, the most popular kid actor medical ailment (see Signs).

Blah blah, Kiddiewink looks at Clark suspiciously, Crazy Lex Luthor and Parker Posey nance about being fabulous, Richard gets the honour of suggesting that Clark might be the same height as Superman, which is promptly dismissed amidst much merriment because Clark smiles like a goon. Personally, I'd have thought people would be more inclined to question the fact that he reappears after five years on the same day Superman reappears after five years. Oh well.

Lois goes on to the roof to smoke. Bad Lois. Superman has fun teasing her, because he's always been a sadistic bastard. (I wonder if movieverse Clark has a SpankBot. He should. Fic must be written!) They fly around and it's very romantic, and then Superman decides to fly her past her house, which seems pretty stupid, and makes sure to hold her hand with her engagement ring right in front of her face, which also seems stupid.

Lois has her shiny new interview, so she sneakily investigates the black out, which originates from a big mansion that she decides to take her kid to. She hears opera playing from the boat docked outside the big mansion, so she decides to take her kid onto the boat. Then there are wigs, and extremely dramatic and scary music accompanying the wigs, which seems a bit over the top. And the Crazy Lex Luthor wanders past in his bath robe.

So Lois is captured, Crazy Lex Luthor gets to brag about his Sexy Crystals Of DOOM and wave around kryponite and be suspicious. Parker Posey finally seems to click how crazy Crazy Lex Luthor is. The Plan is put into motion.

Crazy Lex Luthor really reminds me of what I imagine Smallville Lex could grow up into if he kept taking his crazy pills and developed an unhealthy interest in crystals.

And then...

Holy Kiddiewink-related plot twist, Batman!

Kiddiewink is in fact SuperKiddiewink and crushes one of the bad men with a piano.

I love that Crazy Lex Luthor gets to suspect, even if he does dismiss it afterwards. Really, the kid wasn't going to scream "Oh no, kryptonite, my greatest weakness, curse you Crazy Lex Luthor!" Especially since he's half-human. Guess Crazy Lex Luthor isn't as smart as he thinks he is. Although he appears to have figured it out when they leave Lois and SuperKiddiewink on the boat, so, yay, sequel fun.

Crazy Lex Luthor uses his Sexy Crystals Of DOOM and kryptonite to start his new pleasure island and Lois and SuperKiddiewink are left to die on the boat. Then Richard arrives and has to support his 'son' and fiancée while trying not to drown, thus proving what a generally fab guy he is.

Big crack in the ground heading for Metropolis delays Superman from saving Lois, Richard and SuperKiddiewink. Cabby drops a cigarette which sparks off a gas leak, big explosion, did Superman already mention that smoking is bad? Then the giant globe falls off of the Daily Planet building, Superman rushes to catch it, flying through several buildings, which is awesome, and Jimmy Olsen gets his iconic pictures, thus ending his subplot, which wasn't even much of an issue until it was resolved. Heh.

Back to the boat, Superman saves Lois, Richard and SuperKiddiewink, goes after Crazy Lex Luthor on his pleasure island, which is made of kryptonite-laced rocks.

Bad idea.

Superman sweats, Crazy Lex Luthor punches him. Superman grabs Crazy Lex Luthor's leg, random bad guy grabs Superman's face and drags him away, Superman won't let go of Crazy Lex Luthor's leg, I laugh, I get glared at. Much violence, with Parker Posey crying and random bad guys kicking the crap out of Superman. Really, there's something so erotic horrible about seeing Superman being kicked about and crawling on the floor. I think I drooled over hated seeing him crawl more than seeing him take one in the stomach, but that's probably the point of it.

Superman is thrown off a cliff, Lois, Richard and SuperKiddiewink save him, he goes back to drag the pleasure island out of the water and hurl it into space, Parker Posey throws away Crazy Lex Luthor's Sexy Crystals Of DOOM, Superman falls out of the sky and gets taken to hospital. And gets stripped, which just seems a little off somehow.

Lois visits, whispers the Kiddiewink-related plot twist into his ear. Superman gets better, as if there was any doubt. I get all choked up, as if there was any doubt. Superman visits SuperKiddiewink for some dramatic speeches delivered in a very sweet way. And Lois goes outside for a cigarette, but changes her mind.

And that's the story of how Lois stopped smoking.

The whole damn film is lovely, best word for it, just a lovely experience, and I shall be needing movieverse Super-fic now.